twilight.

12/7/2012

"And it did not matter if he did not want me. I would never want
anything but him, no matter how long I lived."

Being the incredible Twilight nerd that I am, I stumbled across this quote by Bella in New Moon. I read the words, and all of a sudden I stopped. I read them twice more, and in that moment I realized that this book that I've read I know at least five times completely relates to this predicament that I've put myself in. Every single word that Bella says in those two sentences is completely and utterly true for me. It made me stop for a second and really consider this novel.
At the beginning of the book, Edward convinces Bella that he doesn't love her, that he doesn't want her, and he leaves her. Just like that. And while readers know for certain that this can't be true, Bella has no trouble accepting his harsh words as the truth. Because it never made sense for Edward to love her in the first place. There was nothing special about her.. She was quite ordinary, especially in comparison to the type of company that Edward normally kept. So of course Bella was devastated when he left, but it made sense to her. This part of the storyline is my life, with different names. I swear, Stephenie Meyer predicted my future and sold it to a million adoring fans. When my relationship ended, it hurt like nothing else. I'm sure I went into a zombie-like state just like Bella did, maybe not lasting as long. I know I put up a wall and didn't let anyone in except him for a while. It felt like my world ended, with no reason or no explanation. All of a sudden he just didn't love me anymore.. But to me it never made sense for him to love me anyway. He could have gotten just about any girl he wanted, he had gorgeous girls that would have jumped at the chance to talk to him. And he chose me? It never made sense. That didn't lessen the pain though.. Everything that I'd ever wanted I had found in him. He made me believe in love again, the only love that I ever wanted. And he just walked away.. I can totally relate with Bella.
But you see, there is a silver lining. At the end of the story, Edward comes back. He comes back and explains that he never stopped loving Bella, that he lied about the whole thing. And they go on to live happily ever after. And that gives me hope.. It reminds me of the promise he made me, that he would come back for me. I try not to hope for a bad ending between him and this girl he has because I know she makes him happy. But if I'm being honest with myself, I check his Facebook every single day to see if his relationship status has changed. It's pathetic, and I realize that. He's just all I'll ever want, so I have to hope in something. Anything to keep me from turning into the emotionless shell of a person that threatens to overcome me every single time I think about him.
Bella worded it beautifully. It doesn't matter that he doesn't want me. It matters that there's a chance. Hell, even that doesn't really matter. Nothing will ever change the way I feel about him, of that I'm absolutely certain. I'm completely in love with him, and my heart will always be his. I suppose I could be with someone else.. I know that if I really wanted to be in a relationship I could be, and maybe even be happy. But I will never feel for someone what I feel for him. And given a choice, I would choose him. Every single time. For this reason I'm not in a relationship. I know that I would hurt someone in a matter of seconds if he came back.. And no one deserves to feel the way I've felt for the past 6 1/2 months. And so I wait. Because it's worth it. To one day be able to call him mine again, anything is worth it. He's the one thing that makes this messed up thing called life seem worthwhile.. The one thing that makes sense among the chaos.

strength.

1/2/2012

What's the first thing that comes to your mind when you hear the word 'strong'? For me it used to be muscles. That's the image the word revolved around when we were kids. Hercules was strong, wrestlers were strong, even our dads were strong. That definition doesn't give the word any credit. When I was a cheerleader, I could barely lift girls off the ground. Not because they were heavy, but because I wasn't strong enough. Does that make me weak? Not necessarily.
True strength comes from within. And it isn't something that's just granted to you. Strength comes from the trials and struggles that we encounter everyday. It's strong to take up for the girl that no one likes for no apparent reason. It's strong to not let anyone talk about your little brother, even though he's the most annoying kid on the planet. It's strong to walk away from a fight and just let it go. Strength isn't a physical attribute. You are strong for what's inside.
Loving someone takes strength. It's strong to look at someone who treats you horribly and to tell them that you're not doing it anymore. It's strong to end it when your heart is screaming out in pain. It's strong to love someone, even though they love someone else. It's strong to hold onto something that you know may never happen, just because it's everything you want. I think it's strong to let someone go when they choose to, and to make it okay on your own even though it feels like you'll never smile again. It's strong to look at that guy you love with everything you have, and smile because you know he's happy even if you're not. Love takes strength, a lot of it. And when love is strong, it's unstoppable. Absolutely unstoppable.
Never let anyone tell you you're weak. You're only as strong as you think you are. As much just crap that we have to put up with daily in our lives, every single one of you has inner strength. It's almost impossible not to. YOU are strong. And with that strength, that absolutely beautiful strength that keeps you going each day, we might just get through this messed up thing we call life.