twilight.

12/7/2012

"And it did not matter if he did not want me. I would never want
anything but him, no matter how long I lived."

Being the incredible Twilight nerd that I am, I stumbled across this quote by Bella in New Moon. I read the words, and all of a sudden I stopped. I read them twice more, and in that moment I realized that this book that I've read I know at least five times completely relates to this predicament that I've put myself in. Every single word that Bella says in those two sentences is completely and utterly true for me. It made me stop for a second and really consider this novel.
At the beginning of the book, Edward convinces Bella that he doesn't love her, that he doesn't want her, and he leaves her. Just like that. And while readers know for certain that this can't be true, Bella has no trouble accepting his harsh words as the truth. Because it never made sense for Edward to love her in the first place. There was nothing special about her.. She was quite ordinary, especially in comparison to the type of company that Edward normally kept. So of course Bella was devastated when he left, but it made sense to her. This part of the storyline is my life, with different names. I swear, Stephenie Meyer predicted my future and sold it to a million adoring fans. When my relationship ended, it hurt like nothing else. I'm sure I went into a zombie-like state just like Bella did, maybe not lasting as long. I know I put up a wall and didn't let anyone in except him for a while. It felt like my world ended, with no reason or no explanation. All of a sudden he just didn't love me anymore.. But to me it never made sense for him to love me anyway. He could have gotten just about any girl he wanted, he had gorgeous girls that would have jumped at the chance to talk to him. And he chose me? It never made sense. That didn't lessen the pain though.. Everything that I'd ever wanted I had found in him. He made me believe in love again, the only love that I ever wanted. And he just walked away.. I can totally relate with Bella.
But you see, there is a silver lining. At the end of the story, Edward comes back. He comes back and explains that he never stopped loving Bella, that he lied about the whole thing. And they go on to live happily ever after. And that gives me hope.. It reminds me of the promise he made me, that he would come back for me. I try not to hope for a bad ending between him and this girl he has because I know she makes him happy. But if I'm being honest with myself, I check his Facebook every single day to see if his relationship status has changed. It's pathetic, and I realize that. He's just all I'll ever want, so I have to hope in something. Anything to keep me from turning into the emotionless shell of a person that threatens to overcome me every single time I think about him.
Bella worded it beautifully. It doesn't matter that he doesn't want me. It matters that there's a chance. Hell, even that doesn't really matter. Nothing will ever change the way I feel about him, of that I'm absolutely certain. I'm completely in love with him, and my heart will always be his. I suppose I could be with someone else.. I know that if I really wanted to be in a relationship I could be, and maybe even be happy. But I will never feel for someone what I feel for him. And given a choice, I would choose him. Every single time. For this reason I'm not in a relationship. I know that I would hurt someone in a matter of seconds if he came back.. And no one deserves to feel the way I've felt for the past 6 1/2 months. And so I wait. Because it's worth it. To one day be able to call him mine again, anything is worth it. He's the one thing that makes this messed up thing called life seem worthwhile.. The one thing that makes sense among the chaos.

strength.

1/2/2012

What's the first thing that comes to your mind when you hear the word 'strong'? For me it used to be muscles. That's the image the word revolved around when we were kids. Hercules was strong, wrestlers were strong, even our dads were strong. That definition doesn't give the word any credit. When I was a cheerleader, I could barely lift girls off the ground. Not because they were heavy, but because I wasn't strong enough. Does that make me weak? Not necessarily.
True strength comes from within. And it isn't something that's just granted to you. Strength comes from the trials and struggles that we encounter everyday. It's strong to take up for the girl that no one likes for no apparent reason. It's strong to not let anyone talk about your little brother, even though he's the most annoying kid on the planet. It's strong to walk away from a fight and just let it go. Strength isn't a physical attribute. You are strong for what's inside.
Loving someone takes strength. It's strong to look at someone who treats you horribly and to tell them that you're not doing it anymore. It's strong to end it when your heart is screaming out in pain. It's strong to love someone, even though they love someone else. It's strong to hold onto something that you know may never happen, just because it's everything you want. I think it's strong to let someone go when they choose to, and to make it okay on your own even though it feels like you'll never smile again. It's strong to look at that guy you love with everything you have, and smile because you know he's happy even if you're not. Love takes strength, a lot of it. And when love is strong, it's unstoppable. Absolutely unstoppable.
Never let anyone tell you you're weak. You're only as strong as you think you are. As much just crap that we have to put up with daily in our lives, every single one of you has inner strength. It's almost impossible not to. YOU are strong. And with that strength, that absolutely beautiful strength that keeps you going each day, we might just get through this messed up thing we call life.

nye.

12/31/2011

Last day of the year. Wow, already? 2011 has definitely been an interesting one. I remember exactly where I was on this day last year. I was babysitting, and as soon as the clock hit midnight, it hit me that it was 2011. The year I was graduating. The year that I had been waiting for for basically forever. Looking back on the year, my first thought is to say it sucked. But that's because I only remember the bad parts, because those are the most vivid. If I'm being fair, 2011 wasn't too terrible. I graduated from high school, moved out of my mom's house, started college, and, most importantly, I fell in love. There were good times, and definitely bad. I met my best friend this year, and became closer to one of the few real friends I had made in high school. I've learned valuable lessons, ones that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world.
At this time of the year, most people talk about their regrets. Personally, I think regrets are stupid. Completely and totally stupid. Regretting something that happened doesn't change it. Not one little bit. And chances are, you learned something from it. Take my life for example. I fell in love only to get my heart broken, not once, but multiple times. Does that mean I regret it? Hell no. Because of that, I believe in love. I believe it's real, and I know more about it now than I thought I would ever know. I've been given the chance to love someone with all my heart, and that feeling in itself is absolutely amazing. Falling in love taught me lessons. I know how to see right through a lie, and I learned not to trust anyone but myself. I may be more closed off to the thought of loving again, and I may have major trust and commitment issues. And with all that, I do not regret a single thing. If I was given the choice, I would do everything exactly the same.
The end of a year should not be the time to regret every little thing that went wrong that year. It should be a time to look around and count your blessings. You made it out alive, didn't you? Take the time to look around, and see who's still standing beside you. THOSE are your real friends. Keep them close, and never let them go. Remind yourself that your family has also always been there for you.. Keep them close too. Take everything you've learned from 2011 and remember it. The lessons, the heartbreak, the struggle, whatever. Everything happens for a reason, so make sure you take it to heart.
The beginning of a new year is a beautiful thing. A new start. A clean slate. Now's the time for you to be whoever you want to be. If you want to change, do it. And don't worry about what anyone else thinks. Your opinion is the only one that matters. This is your year. Be empowered, be strong, be beautiful. And maybe, just maybe, we'll make it through one more year of this messed up thing we call life.

love.

12/30/2011

Love is a strange thing, isn't it? We all crave it. As a little girl, I would spend hours and hours dreaming of my wedding day, watching and reading fairytales where the beautiful princess met the guy of her dreams and they lived happily ever after. Even all of my Barbie dolls had a Ken to go with them, their soul mate. Love seemed so easy back then.. It was like two people just knew they were supposed to be together, and they were. Just like that. And then I grew up..
My dating history mainly centered around one guy that I thought I loved. Looking back, I know I really didn't. I know this because what I felt for this guy was nothing in comparison to what I felt for HIM. I've learned that you don't find love, love finds you. And that's exactly what happened. I'd known HIM for a long time.. But for some reason on that ordinary Tuesday in February, he caught my eye. There was something about him.. Something about the easy way I could talk to him, something about the way his eyes lit up when he smiled, something about the way he could make me laugh without even trying. It didn't take me long to realize I had completely fallen for him. And for a while, things were great. More amazing than I could ever have asked for. But then things went bad, without expectation and without reason. And it was like we were just falling and falling and neither of us knew how to get up. Our relationship ended, and you can probably imagine how hard I took it. The hardest part for me was knowing that he still cared, when he couldn't realize it himself. No, scratch that. The hardest part was loving him when he treated me like I had never been a big part of his life. But I held on anyway.
I had no reason to. At all. But subconsciously I did. I tried to move on, but I found myself finding something wrong with any guy that showed the slightest bit of interest in me. I tried other ways to fill that void, only to find myself more miserable and alone than before. And then, he came back to me. Through an argument, of course, because that's the form our relationship had taken. We would fight and cuss and scream at each other.. But neither of us could stop talking to each other for more than a week or two. And then the cycle would repeat. But he came back.. He told me he still loved me and never stopped and I finally had a reason to be happy. It didn't last long. By the end of the weekend he had decided we were just friends, and he completely broke my heart for the second time.
And then, a month later, he came back again. I caught a glimpse of the guy I had fell in love with, not the complete asshole that he had become. And I honestly thought it was going to work this time. Neither of us had been in a relationship since we had broken up 5 months before, and I wasn't ready to completely give up hope on us yet. But then, he changed back. And for the third time, he shattered what was left of my already broken heart.
After not speaking for a month, he recently contacted me again. And this time, I knew that he was completely the guy that I fell in love with originally. Everything was perfect.. minus the fact that he was in a relationship with someone else. It crushed me. I had known he had a girlfriend, but speaking to him again just made the thought of her more real. And then he made me a promise that I never thought I would hear.. He promised that when, not if, they broke up, it was just me and him. And if you knew him like I do, you'd know that he doesn't break his promises. And yet again I found myself having hope in him, in us, in the love we had once shared. But of course, it didn't last. He told me that he felt that he shouldn't talk to me because it wasn't fair to her. And that even though he said they were going to break up, he wasn't going to do anything to mess them up. Sounds bad right? I knew where his intentions were, and I respected him for that. But that didn't make it hurt any less. He did make it clear that he intended to keep his promise. So for the fourth time, tonight, my heart is in pieces that I don't think can be mended.
Some say I'm stupid for hanging on. And sometimes, when I get angry enough, I convince myself that I am too. But I truly think I've learned a lot about love. When you truly love someone, you don't matter. What matters to me is that he's happy. And if she does that for him, I'll try my best to be okay with that. So what if I'm miserable? So what if I can't sleep at night? I'll be fine. It's him that matters. Don't get me wrong, it hurts. I've been through hell and back for him. But you know, I wouldn't do it any differently. Knowing what I know now, if I could go back I wouldn't change anything. All the hurt, all the memories, nothing. I would do exactly the same thing, because if someday I get to be with him, it will be worth it. Every single thing. I think that's what love is. Love is unconditional. No matter what he's done, I would take him back without thinking. Because all the hurt that he's put me through is still much more bearable than life without him. I know I will never feel for anyone else what I feel for him, and I wouldn't want to. And I honestly believe that I found who I'm meant to be with, my soul mate.
So I'll wait. And I'll keep believing that true love conquers all. Because it does. What's meant to be will always find it's way. Love never fails, and no matter what it puts us through, we have to keep believing in it. So be fearless, because love is fearless. One thing to help us get through this messed up thing we call life..